How to Deal with Your Ex If He's Hot and Cold (And Why)

How to Deal with Your Ex If He’s Hot and Cold (And Why)

30 Apr, 2022 posted by Daniel

 It doesn’t matter if they’re doing it because they like you, hate you, or are just sickos who want to see you suffer; the way you handle their behaviour remains the same.

You are likely to encounter frustrating and often unexpected twists and turns on your journey to getting back with your ex; one of the most frustrating is when they show signs of hot and cold behaviour.

Your ex’s behaviour oscillates between displaying signs of interest (warm or hot) and those indicating no interest (cold). It is similar to when they show mixed signals.

Many people overlook that your ex’s hot and cold behaviours do not have a defined period and occur sporadically.

In some cases, it may take a few weeks for your ex to go from hot to cold or vice versa. Occasionally, it may take only a few seconds. There is no point rushing the process, as you risk being rejected permanently.

What Does it Look Like When An Ex Behaves Hot And Cold?

Exes can exhibit a variety of hot and cold behaviours. I’ve outlined some of the most common ones here.

● Despite sending constant texts indicating interest, they stop responding shortly after.

● They constantly make plans with you, then cancel them at random and start making excuses for it.

● One night they will give you mind-numbing sex, and the next, they will be indifferent. You may even be told it “didn’t mean anything.”

● The next day, they may say they love you, miss you, or want to see you again, but the next, they may ignore or ghost you.

● The person tells you they are interested in dating you again, but they let you know they are still taking things slowly.

● Despite not replying to your messages, they still watch your Instagram and Facebook stories.

● When they go out with you without reservation, they insult you with snide and snarky remarks.

● On the one hand, they’re confident they want to be back together with you, but on the other hand, they’re confused and doubtful.

ex hot and cold
ex hot and cold

Exes Who Switch Back And Forth Is It A Good Or Bad Sign?
How to Deal with Your Ex If He’s Hot and Cold (And Why)

Breakup experts believe your ex’s hot and cold behavior is a good sign, meaning they are trying to get back together with you. Then some think that they’re a bad sign, meaning your ex is doubtful about getting back together.

Neither theory made sense to me. Over the years, I’ve realized that no matter what type of sign their behavior turns out to be, one should handle their ex’s hot and cold behaviors the same way. Because of this, I developed my theory: whatever your ex’s hot and cold behavior indicates – good or bad; interest or no interest – is irrelevant.

The reason that your ex is behaving like this is irrelevant, even if it is the only reason. No matter why they attack you, whether they like you, hate you, or are just sickos who want to see you suffer, the way you react remains the same.

The following paragraphs will explain why uncovering the reasons for your ex’s erratic behavior can still be valuable information. Perhaps you can learn something new about your ex as a result. You might even learn something about yourself.

Why Does Your Ex Keep Changing His Mind

You’ll find plenty of bullshit breakup experts telling you why your ex is so hot and cold. Many people try to be way too clever about it and explain some intricate and over-the-top theories, while the actual reasons your ex is being hot or cold are a lot more mundane and straightforward.

Your ex is not acting cold and hot to get your approval, confirm they dumped you, or use you (although that is possible if you keep putting up with their behavior).

The hot and cold behavior isn’t due to confusion, boredom, the breakup still fresh in their minds, or misunderstood emotions.

There is a chance they could be testing you, hooking up with someone else, or simply being toxic, but most likely, they are being hot and cold because they aren’t attracted to you enough – because you are turning them off for whatever reason.

Reason #1: Because you are turning off your ex, they are hot and cold

How to Deal with Your Ex If He’s Hot and Cold (And Why)

When you want your ex back, I understand how you feel. You’re not alone. When you crave reconciliation, I know exactly what you need to do.

Your behavior is probably spineless, clingy, or controlling. You are probably spending too much time trying to prove yourself or chasing your ex. Additionally, you are probably coming across as desperate and intense.

If your ex is hot and cold, you’re acting in at least one of these ways – at least that’s how most people act.

Give your ex space – especially if they have an avoidant attachment style – or you will receive colder signals from them. Eventually, these complex signals will result in permanent loss of transmission. Ignorance forever.

You might start getting warmer signals if you try to become less needy and give your ex enough space to come back to you at their own pace when you start working on becoming less needy. It’s inevitable before they are completely turned off, at which point it’s too late.

The following are a few less common reasons for your ex’s cold and hot behavior.

ex hot and cold
ex hot and cold

Reason #2: They’re testing you because they’re hot and cold
There are times when your ex will act hot and cold to see how you react.

What will you do if you become desperate and unglued? Is it possible that you will break your frame? Could you start pleasing them at every turn and sacrificing your identity? What if you chose to stand your ground, not react like a little pig, accept their behavior, brush it off and back off?

You’ll either be tested again or, more likely; they’ll decide you’re not worth continuing to work with.

Passing them, that is, not reacting negatively (i.e., not getting offended, angry, desperate, or intimidated), could raise their attraction, and thus, they might decide you are worth getting back with.

It is important to remember that your ex may not be testing you when they behave hot and cold but reject you. You have misapprehended their actions.

You can learn more about this last point in my article on testing, so I encourage you to read it if you’re interested.

Reason #3: You’re hot and cold with your ex because they’re toxic

Exes purposefully sending mixed signals to you is rare, but it does happen. When an ex acts cold and hot, they’re trying to confuse, embarrass, or hurt you. Most of the time, it’s an ego thing.

Some (toxic) exes feel better about themselves and more confident in their decision to break up with you when they play games with you so that you chase them, and then they reject you and see you in pain.

As a general rule, the more trashy and insecure an ex is, the more likely they are to be hot and cold because they are toxic and want revenge.

Reason #4: They’re in another relationship and hot and cold at the same time

It’s undoubtedly awkward to receive a text or phone call from an ex when you’re happily dating someone new. I once had a similar experience, and I still cringe when I think about it.

I indeed treated my ex hot and cold, not out of spite or malice, but out of genuine confusion. Nevertheless, I am aware that things would be much better if I said that I was seeing someone else. Nonetheless, I was young, unconfident, and oblivious about how to do it.

Initially, I thought of sending mixed signals and then ghosting my ex at some point – and it also seemed more comfortable than being vulnerable.

They’re likely treating you the same way I treated my ex if they started dating someone else when you were in your twenties. Their way of telling you that they’re with someone else is nonexistent. It wouldn’t do to hurt your feelings. Rather than giving you hot or cold responses, they confusedly and awkwardly oscillate between them.

Reason #5: You and your ex are hot and cold because of external factors

There are times when your ex’s hot and cold behavior has nothing to do with you. They might be upset about something else.

Their day may have been difficult; they may have failed an important exam, seen their dog die, or been annoyed by some random and trivial event. Or maybe they just did it because they felt like it.

The two of you saw an old picture of you, and it sparked nostalgia, making them exhibit “hot behavior” for a time. But as time passed, that nostalgia faded in the background, leading them to show “cold behavior.”

What To Do If Your Ex Is Hot And Cold?

Whatever the reason for your ex’s cold and hot behavior, how you change it, so they’re “hot” toward you is the same. It has nothing to do with how you handled your ex but everything to do with yourself.

You Have To Accept The Hot And Cold Behaviors

It’s all right, man. You may have to deal with uncertainty if your ex shows hot and cold behavior. Do not get upset. Do not try to make your ex come back.

A person who doesn’t want to get back with you is never someone you should want to get back with. Barely your ex is willing to give you another chance and see your potential, they are probably not the right person for you.

Don’t judge or try to force yourself to stop thinking about your ex whenever you catch yourself thinking about them. Your ex is hot and cold should not cause you to wallow or whine. It would be great if you were thankful they are responding at all. For many, there is nothing but everlasting silence.

Why you should stop chasing after your ex?

Chase is defined as any form of contact you initiate with your ex to get them to like you so later you can win them back. Do not chase your ex.

Chase your ex not only gets them to display more cold behaviors than hot ones, but it also makes you appear needy and desperate, making you more likely to derive your self-worth from their approval and validation. Codependency is the result of those tendencies.

Whenever you need to arrange something with your ex, such as who will take care of your child or on a shared project at work, or how you are going to handle living arrangements now that you are no longer together, talk to him or her.

Are you feeling addicted to your ex and finding it hard to give them space? Try out the no-contact rule and a social media detox.

ex hot and cold
ex hot and cold

Put Yourself First

You have built your identity around a relationship that’s now gone, which makes enduring your ex’s hot and cold behavior tricky. How about focusing on their warm and cold behaviors for once? Rather than focusing on your dead relationship, concentrate on understanding contexts beyond it. You are in the perfect place at a flawless time.

Do whatever you can to avoid rushing into another relationship. This is usually done to fill a void left by an ex. Often, people rush into relationships without being satisfied with themselves first or knowing what kind of person they want in the first place. It can be disastrous.

It was probably this lack of awareness about your needs and wants that led to your breakup in the first place. It would be best if you now focused your attention on yourself instead of your ex’s hot and cold behavior. Become more self-aware, learn to master your emotions, build a lifestyle you can be proud of, and discover who you are. This kind of stuff…

If you don’t want to take up your time pondering things like, “why is my ex so hot and cold?” then find a new life away from your ex.

Keep your ex in the dark when they contact you

You shouldn’t keep chatting on the phone indefinitely with your ex when they reach out to you if you want them back. With a phone call, you cannot build sufficient attraction – you cannot get physical over it, you cannot read your ex’s body language, and you cannot use your surroundings to generate new conversation threads.

I won’t even begin to discuss texting. A witty comment, flirtatious comment, sarcastic comment, or joke rarely lands the right way and is easily misunderstood. You will undoubtedly fail to regain attraction over a phone, and you will lose most of your attempts. You’ll soon find yourself drowning in your ex’s mixed signals once again.

It would be best to invite your ex out next time they contact you. Do it as soon as possible – as soon as the conversation starts – but don’t forget to make the transition as smooth and natural as possible.

That’s how you polarize your ex – to get them to decide whether they still have enough attraction for you to go on a date or not. Leaving limbo land is how you escape the uncertainty of whether they want you back or not.

ex hot and cold
ex hot and cold

You Shouldn’t Try To Reconnect With Your Ex

Look. It’s best to keep your distance from your ex. And I’m guessing you’re one of them. Finding someone else would be better. A bitter pill to swallow: Your ex’s hot and cold behavior is likely the result of your obsessive desire to get them back. The curse has been cast.

Then you wouldn’t need to deal with their hot and cold behavior if you just let them go and didn’t settle for someone who keeps giving you mixed signals – someone who isn’t a “fuck yes” about you.

Could you take a moment to think about it? Consider the idea of letting your ex go for good and making room in your life for someone willing and capable of forming a relationship with you. It would be nice to have a relationship where you wouldn’t have to deal with mixed signals.